Oh, Where To Begin...

This was not the post I thought I would be writing.

You see, I was pregnant. Baby Number 4 had been a wonderful birthday surprise back in November. This meant that December was a bit of a fog in the midst of first-trimester craziness. Instead of getting Christmas cards out, I took naps. Instead of carefully decorating my house, I purposely did nothing. My mind was on a mental vacation, while my body continued to just keep the house orderly, the children fed, clothed and driven to their various commitments.

We decided to surprise the kids with the news on Christmas. I wish I could say it was YouTube worthy...but it was anti-climatic to say the least. Ethan bowed his head low and said "We have enough babies in this house!" Brooklyn was fine "as long as it's a girl". After talking all day about how wonderful babies are, the kids were finally getting warmed up to the idea. Ethan agreed to be on "Diaper Patrol" with me and Brooklyn was eagerly anticipating her role as "Special Mommy's Helper". It seemed that the family crisis was averted.

I was waiting for January 3rd, to get the typical picture of "peanut" and then share it with the world. However, the visit was far from "typical". I've never had an ultrasound with no heartbeat. I have never had the Nurse Practitioner speak to me in a low voice and say how sorry she was. Usually I leave that first visit feeling rather elated...not like someone kicked me in the gut.

And so, instead of dreaming up baby names that end in an "N", I'm waiting for this miscarriage to be over. It is not an easy thing to be going through...but I have to say, I'm okay. Really. I feel a complete peace that God has me in this. Trust me, I'm not saying that because that's what I'm supposed to. I had my day of tears and laying in bed. And then, on Friday morning, I just woke up with this new feeling. Gratitude.

I've been looking at my children differently these days. They are such miracles. The fact that they were and are perfectly formed and beautiful. The fact that Ethan has such a heart connection with me that he intuitive knew the exact moments I needed a hug, or a whispered "I love you, Mom", or when to just crawl in bed with me and snuggle. I love that Brooklyn is such a little Mommy herself that she assumed the role of caring for her siblings in her no-nonsense way, bringing sparkle and laughter to a dismal day. I love that Jackson has just learned how to say "Mama" and gives hugs and kisses. I love that he is still just enough of a "baby" that I can kiss his chubby little cheeks and snuggle his soft skin and feel healing in my heart. I love that Mark knows me so well that he intuitively knows when I need to be left alone, and when I need a long hug, and when I just need someone to lay on the bed with me and watch the latest episode of "Parenthood" and say that he now likes it (when the day before he refused to watch something so "poorly acted") 

I am thankful for my friends and my family and my Denver "family" who love me and support me. I don't feel like I need to hide in a closet. I don't feel like I need to keep this as a "private matter".  I feel free to live in the light, knowing that I have a whole tribe of people who have my back. I am thankful that I have friends who force themselves right into my business. Instead of giving me "space", they climb right in and go along for the ride, despite the sad memories and fears it may bring up for themselves. I have a whole list of people to call for childcare, food, anything I need. How many people can say that?

I am thankful that this happened over Christmas break, so I'm not alone. I am thankful that the miscarriage process started after the dreaded appointment, so I wasn't filled with fear and anxiety and an urgent trip to the ER. Instead, we took the kids rollerskating.

I am thankful that prior to all of this, I had already booked a trip to the "Happiest Place on Earth" in just a few weeks with make memories with my kids and to celebrate Life.  I am thankful to my parents who gifted us with this trip and I know that it will be a time of rest after a stressful few weeks.

I also have a new appreciation for my body, who has successfully taken good care of my last three babies and knows exactly what to do with this little one, whose life was only meant for Heaven.

Maybe I should be sad right now. Maybe more tears will come in the days and weeks ahead. If they do, I will welcome them. I love a good cry. However, for today, my heart is just too full to be sad. I feel so at peace, so loved. I feel God's arms all around me and I know with certainty that I'm not alone. 

I am thankful for this little life that we had and I know that I have yet another person waiting for me in Heaven. I look forward to meeting him or her and introducing them to their brothers and sister. 

I know that Mark and I will try again. Not to fill a void, but because love casts out all fear and we have a lot of love to give. My kids now want another brother or sister. Maybe I'll get pregnant again, maybe I won't. Maybe I will, but I'll miscarry again. Maybe God has closed my womb, but there may be another child out there made for our family through the miracle of adoption. I feel a complete peace about all of these possibilities. I'm thankful that I don't need to know all of the answers right now, I can rest easily with just a "maybe". I will discover everything I need to know in time...and time requires time.

So there isn't going to be a picture of an ultrasound, but I will leave you with a picture of my sweet family while Baby Number 4 was still growing inside. They are the greatest gift I have ever been given.